Tuesday, January 25, 2005

King Totebagger?

If you don't live within AM-transmission distance of New York, you likely haven't had the misfortune of hearing Leonard Lopate's bloated blather. But you know the type: the radio host who congratulates you at every opportunity for having the necessary taste and education to tune-in to his show and to eschew the vulgarity mindlessly accepted by the unwashed masses. Add to that template some New-York-is-the-cultural-capital-of-the-world claptrap and you have Mr. Lopate's show.

Hosting an NPR-affiliate radio program is not sufficient condition for being a totebagger. Garrison Keillor is a huge, stinking pile of totebaggery, but Terry Gross is not. Lopate distinguishes himself not only by drawing attention to himself with every breath, but also by oozing an obsequious fealty rarely seen this side of James Lipton.

As if all this were not quite enough we now have Lopate's biography in which he informs us that he studied painting with Mark Rothko, but not that Mark Rothko committed suicide when Lopate was 15 years-old. Best of all we now have his Friendster profile, a veritable bible of totebaggery. Can you guess??? Does he enjoy "ANY Shakespeare"? How about The Elements of Style? Are Bach, Mozart, and (wait ... something contemporary, too ...) Philip Glass his favorite composers? Is he a fan of Hitchcock and The Bicycle Thief? Take a guess as to where he stands on the hot, burning issue of "Culinary Delights of All Kinds." Yet it is his response to "Who I Want To Meet" that sets new totebagging standards. Does he want to meet interesting people? Kind people? Unusual people? Generous people? Creative-and-Intelligent-yet-heretofore-unrecognized people? Hey -- how about HOT CHICKS?? Does Leonard even want to meet hot chicks?

No ... Leonard has "met pretty much everyone of importance already."

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Single White Totebagger Seeks...

Hey ladies! Whaddya think?

This guy ... is he a Totebagger, or just a plain ol' douche?

The thing is his handle: "montesaur".


So, like, you went to Montessori school, which means like, put the MEN into MENSA? and the "saur"-fix implies that you are "tyrannolicious" in the sack? but you do that self-effacing, "I'm so sensitive, like, I read e.e. cummings and refuse to use capital letters thing"?

Ladies, this jerkoff is one of those guys who, after going down on you for 4.5 minutes, pauses, and looking "soulfully" somewhere near your eyes in his best Lyle Waggoner impression, says "I really enjoyed that" like he's just won the Clean Plate Club Award of the year. And dude, 400 thread count? Count me unimpressed! Oh yeah, thanks for the 411 on Royskopp! I love the "Starbucks Ultra-Lounge Panty-Moistening Salon Magazine Sampler CD", too!

I bet this guy buys the Banana Republic candles that smell like "White."

I bet he pretended to like "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion."


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Abandon Hope, All Ye who Yenta Here

Need I say more?

This should just be called the "I'm a Big Ol' Totebagger Club"

This is the worst. How much do you bet Owen Flanagan is a member?


What a scurvy lot of totebaggers! Check this:

Think-two-three, think-two-three! Mensa provides intriguing ways to flex your mental muscles. You'll find intellectual resources in national magazines, in local newsletters, and at regional, national and international conventions.

Whatever your passion, there's almost certain to be a Special Interest Group (SIG) filled with other Mensans who share it! Mensa offers approximately 200 SIGs, in mind-boggling profusion from African Violets to zoology. Along the way you'll find microbiology, and systems analysis, but you'll also find Sherlock Holmes, chocolate and Star Trek. There are the expected: biochemistry, space science, economics -- and the unexpected: poker, roller-skating, scuba diving, UFOs and witchcraft. There are SIGs for breadmaking, winemaking, cartooning, silversmithing, and clowning. Heraldry, semantics and Egyptology co-exist with beekeeping, motorcycling and tap dancing. Sports SIGs cover the classics (baseball, basketball, and football) and the not-so-classic (skeet shooting, hang gliding, skydiving). And any Mensan who can't find a SIG to join can easily start one.

What kind of douchebags join a little club because your IQ is over 145? You know, it's funny, although Trey and I aren't MENSANS, we certainly have no trouble hanging out with people with weird or obscure interests. In our world, it's called "having friends."

This is as lame as those "Date Someone in Your League" ads in the back of the Totebagger's Bible -- oops, I mean, The New Yorker. So basically, no one that you went to college with or any of your classmates' friends will have anything to do with you because you are such an uptight snooty totebagging prat? I thought so!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

My Gay-Ass Travel Mug

It is an index of Lillet's abiding love for me that she has never mentioned the gay-ass, totebaggy Amazon.com travel mug I have. I was a very (very) early Amazon customer. They used to send me shit like this all the time.

Check out the totebagging quotes that adorn this stupid thing:

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.
-- Albert Einstein

People cannot discover new lands until they have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
-- André Gide

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
-- Ghandi

This last is no doubt very inspiring when one is sipping a half-caf on the way to one's continuing ed. class.

Welcome to Operation Totebaggery!

Totebaggery (n):

Egregious display of middlebrow crappiness, often
marked by perpetrator's particular self-satisfaction w/r/t said display.


☛ The Sunday New York Times commercials are pure totebaggery.

☛ Owen Flanagan's personal website is nothing but sheer totebaggery --
witness the picture of himself with the Dalai Lama, not to mention
his decision to put "Ph. D." in a different font from his name! He
may as well affix canvas handles to his head and tattoo Maya Angelou
on his torso.

Please feel free to share egregious examples of totebaggery with us!